Will the Real Alternative Deputy PM Please Stand Up?

Strange things happen to everyone’s memory at election time. Yesterday I couldn't remember the name of the alternative Deputy Prime Minister, the deputy leader of the opposition Coalition. That’s the one who presumably will have a formal debate with Wayne Swan during the campaign.

It isn't Julie Bishop who is the deputy Liberal leader. She is a serial deputy, having been second-in-charge for Tony Abbott, Malcolm Turnbull and Brendan Nelson. I’ll avoid the wedding cliché as we’ve had enough sexist political jokes lately.

It isn't the Nationals' Senate leader and failed Finance spokesperson, Barnaby Joyce. Before going on his electioneering 'wombat trail', he treated Fran Kelly to some of the more asinine stand-up-comedy in ages. His metaphors included: a present under Christmas tree; lost teeth at the dentist; boxing every horse in the Melbourne Cup; and the impossibility of getting Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston back together. Guess which one applied to Abbott's confused back-pedalling on Work Choices. Watch out Angelina!

It isn't the other Seinfeld clone, the tubiquitious Christopher Pyne. This overexposed comic seems to use every thesaurus word for scandalous, often in the same sentence. He's giving hyperbole a bad name. His mastery of the catchcry far outweighs his take on the facts. Chris should stick to doing his Alexander Downer impersonations.

Despite his constant nasty forays into local politics, Alexander isn't the deputy either. He did resign from parliament so he's just part of the posse. His paid job is to bring reconciliation to the divided people of Cyprus. Good luck to them! At least Pyne has managed to avoid a "things that batter' moment that helped to destroy Downer's leadership.

It isn't Joe Hockey but he's joined the comedians as well. Humpty should have stuck to his old mantra about not being able to unscramble eggs. Unfortunately for him, it didn't work in 2007. Perhaps he should use it on the Work Choices policy. It's a pity that he gave us such as tasteless attempt at wit with the sexist slur on Wayne Swan and Paris Hilton yesterday. I'm sure neither of them will be offended but I know many voters who were. Paris gave us that memorable satirical moment of the 2008 campaign with her Paris for President video. Joe for court jester?

It took me ten hours to recall the pretender's name even though I knew his job title. Just who is the leader of the National party? And where is he hiding? A wombat hole perhaps.

Click for the answer.

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